James Bond’s Hearing Test

James Bond was upset. He was starting to get on in years and he was beginning to find his spying duties more and more of a chore. He couldn’t see the target he was shooting quite as sharply any more, and his knees were starting to give way.

But what was really getting to him was his hearing. It was starting to get so bad that even when he was saying “Bond. James Bond” he wasn’t sure it was quite as suave as it had once been. He had no idea if it had the same panache. He was worried he’d lost his charisma.

So, when he saw an ad in the paper for hearing tests in Melbourne he decided it was best that he got one and made sure that his ears were as sharp as he knew his suits still were. Even though he tried to talk himself out of it, eventually he succumbed and booked the appointment.

He arrived in the trendiest Aston Martin he could find in the garage that morning, flicking the keys to the valet in such a way that only he could do. He made his way into the clinic and was almost immediately shown inside for his test.

He waited for only a few moments before a door opened and a specialist walked in. “Hello, James.” he said.

“Bond,” replied Bond. “James Bond.”

“Ah. Mr Bond then,” the specialist said, slightly miffed.

“No,” Bond replied. “James Bond.”

“Righto then, James Bond. Let’s test those ears of yours.”

About twenty minutes later, James Bond emerged from the exam room with a smile from ear to ear. His problem was temporary and had simply come from revving his Aston Martin too much. “Just ease off that accelerator, James Bond, and you should be good as new in a couple of days,” the specialist said, still annoyed that he was having to refer to his patient by both names.

The receptionist intervened. “That will be fifty dollars for today.”

“Fifty dollars?” replied James Bond. “But the advertisement said free hearing test.”

“Um, no, sir.” The receptionist pulled out the paper as proof. “You can see right here. Fifty dollars.”

“What?” shouted James Bond.

“Fifty dollars.”

“Sorry, I can’t hear you.”

“It’s not a free hearing test,” the receptionist yelled.

“No tea for me, thanks.”

“No. It’s not free.” she shouted even louder.

“You’re going to make it free. Thank you so much!”

And with that, James Bond made for the exit. He may be getting older, but he still had his wits about him.